“Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it.”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

“A man must not deny his manifest abilities, for that is to evade his obligations.”

“There are lots of ways of being miserable, but there’s only one way of being comfortable, and that is to stop running round after happiness. If you make up your mind not to be happy there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have a fairly good time.”

“The graveyards are full of indispensable men.”

“You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, “Why not?””

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.”

“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

“I never know how much of what I say is true.”