“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.”

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”

“By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece.”

“Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.”

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that any more.”

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”