“A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.”

“The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.”

“There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class.”

“This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities.”

“Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anyone else.”

“The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.”

“You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.”

“Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.”

“Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.”

“We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don’t care for.”