“Some things are so unexpected that no one is prepared for them.”

“It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.”

“In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.”

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

“I want to live my life, not record it.”

“One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.”

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”

“The most worth-while thing is to try to put happiness into the lives of others.”

“The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.”