“Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”

“Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time… The wait is simply too long.”

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.”

“On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”

“Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.”

“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule – and both commonly succeed, and are right.”

“If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.”

“I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.”

“When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.”

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”