“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”

“The second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.”

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.”

“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.”

“Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts.”

“I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”

“Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.”