“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.”

“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

“I never know how much of what I say is true.”

“People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.”

“See what will happen if you don’t stop biting your fingernails?”

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”

“Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.”

“Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half.”

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.'”