“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.”

“I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.”

“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.”

“You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.”

“If there were no God, there would be no Atheists.”

“Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.”

“Exit, pursued by a bear.”

“The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.”